Bollywood and Science Fiction: Koi.. Mil Gaya

Bollywood’s biggest problem, apart from the Talebs in charge of the Censor Board (and their stone throwing “hurt-sentiment” brethren across the country) is that when making a film, everything is secondary to the Star act i.e. Star driving a sports car down Highway 66, Star singing and dancing, Star romancing other Star, Star appearing in slo-mo walks and close ups, full-body pans and so on. Given the contrivances required to bring this about, the plot as a whole becomes tertiary or quaternary. While this is not noticeable in rom-coms or say, phemily dramas, genre films – courtroom dramas, mystery thrillers, horror and science fiction – suffer big time when executed in so-called “Bollywood style” (More so considering they’re ripoffs to begin with).

Case in point: Koi… Mil Gaya, which I had the privilege (or rather the broadband) to view recently. My only memories of the film were of it being “India’s first science fiction film”, “India’s answer to ET/Close Encounters/ID4” etc. and Hrithik’s mind-blowing defense of the unusual design (i.e. different from those in ET, Independence Day, Star Wars etc.) of their alien spaceships, viz. “Why should we look to Western designs when spaceships are mentioned in the Vedas?” Watching it was similarly mind-blowing, albeit in a different sense. Here then, 7 years after its release, is a summary of the film.

[Note: This summary is in a style from this site. It’s hilarious and ought to apply to Bollywood, so why not]

KMG

INT. A HOUSE

RAKESH ROSHAN FIDDLES ABOUT IN HIS ATTIC

RAKESH ROSHAN
Eureka!! After years of sending out the ‘Om’ into space, using this oscilloscope and a satellite dish, I have received a reply. Aliens are responding to me. Come Rekha, let’s tell this to the scientists at the Space Center

CUT TO:

INT. SPACE CENTER

ASSHOLE WHITE SCIENTIST
Pooh-pooh Dr. Roshan. We, the finest white guys this film could afford, have spent years tracking transmissions with 15 PCs, a couple of Oscilloscopes, several cutouts of astronauts and a big plastic replica of the bridge from Star Trek. It is inconceivable that aliens would contact you, a non-White guy.

RAKESH ROSHAN
But I’m telling you, the aliens have contacted me, in response to my ‘Om’ broadcast. I know I work all by myself in an attic without collaborators, graduate students or anyone to oversee my research, but surely my data’s just as good.

ASSHOLE COCONUT DESI SCIENTIST
Your idea is ludicrous, Dr. Roshan, get out. That aliens would know and respond to the ‘Om’ sound is what we find ludicrous, mind you, not that you claim to broadcast sound signals through space.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY. RAKESH DRIVING REKHA HOME

RAKESH ROSHAN
Those assholes, crushing my dreams. So what if I work out of an attic? So what if my statements violate the existing laws of physics? So what if I simply told these guys the news rather than say, publishing my data and methods in a peer-reviewed journal? They’re my DREAMS. DREAMS HAVE POWER.

REKHA
Time will tell

It DOES!! A giant UFO comes flying right out the window

RAKESH ROSHAN
Look Rekha! They’re here! I can’t believe it! But they’re here!! They didn’t believe me at the Space Center but they’re here! I’m driving this car on a highway while looking out the window away from the road, but THEY’RE HERE!!!

In a shocking twist, the car crashes. CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

REKHA
… and that’s what happened eight years ago. Why am I telling you all this again?

DOCTOR
I don’t know. But now that you have, it all makes sense. The crash affected baby Hrithik Roshan’s brain while you were carrying him then. Even though he’s eight now, his brain is of a two year old. Its growth will be slow from this point. In short, he’s mentally retarded

REKHA
You’d think my husband would’ve driven more carefully knowing he had a pregnant woman on board

DOCTOR
For that matter I’d think you would notice your son’s mental problems much before the age of eight

REKHA
….

We awkwardly muddle about while everyone puts on gray makeup, to show time has passed. CUT TO:

EXT. REKHA’S KASAULI HOME

JOHNNY LEVER
You goddamn kids? Why do you keep throwing stones at my house? Doesn’t the fact that I’m a cop mean anything

CUTESY KID #1
Come out and deal with us, asshole. How cute and cuddly I am

CUTESY KID #2
Yep, a gang of preteens who throw stones at people’s windows and carelessly talk back to cops is cute, and not at all disturbing. What do you think?

ENTER HRETARD
I am mentally retarded. This means I talk and act the way kids do in the movies, stare wide-eyed at everything, waddle and weave when walking, keep repeating class 6 and hang out with other kids cycling, gaming, breaking glass and so forth.

CUTESY KID #3
You’re essentially an overgrown man-child who actually has an excuse for living with his Mom

HRETARD
Isn’t being retarded great?

REKHA
Hrithik, you’re repeating Class 6. Because you’re too awesome for Class 7 mind you, not…. you know

HRETARD
Noo, all the kids there will make fun of me again

REKHA
Er, you’re a clearly twenty-five-plus year old in middle school. You could be in Class 12 and they’d still laugh at you. But let me see…

CUT TO:

INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE

REKHA
Come on, Principal Sir. Please promote my son. I know he’ll never be as smart as his father, or me, or anyone who isn’t suffering from traumatic brain damage, but he’ll do better if we encourage him.

PRINCIPAL
I’m sorry, but he is unable to learn, given his mental retardation. There are special schools for children like him

REKHA
Children like him? The guy’s clearly twenty-five plus

PRINCIPAL
Oh right!! One wonders just how long he’s been failing classes. Or why you didn’t put him in special school when that doctor told you he was brain damaged. Who’s the real retard here?

REKHA
The screenwriter, I suppose

CUT TO:

EXT. THE SWISS MEADOWS OF KASAULI

HRETARD and his Kiddie Pals are wandering about, singing and dancing

HRETARD
Stars and dreams and starry dreams and … whatever else. How awesome it is that we’re apparently singing and dancing songs as we make them up? You’d think being retarded would affect the creative faculties, but it doesn’t

CUTESY KID #2
Not when it’s the good kind of retarded, which means that you simply keep failing exams, like any bad student

CUTESY KID #1
That’s right kids, the mentally challenged are simply lazy, except they have this ‘retarded’ excuse

HRETARD
Long hikes with kids and no supervision, although I’m known to not be right in the head. Isn’t being retarded great?

Suddenly, a gang of asshole bikers appear. Despite being pedestrians on a motor road, our brave gang refuses to give an inch

LEAD ASSHOLE BIKER
Get out of the way. Keep in mind that despite my asshole manner, my request is in fact quite reasonable

CUTESY KID #1
No fucking way, asshole. We, kids on kick-scooters, will not only not give way to you, a motorist, but also fight the lot of you, despite us being kids and you being adults

LEAD ASSHOLE BIKER
Eh?

CUTESY KID #5
You heard him, motherfucker. Now get off your fucking bike and come here so we, by which I mean our retarded friend here, can tear you a new asshole

HRETARD
This is sounding kind of reta… er, yeah what he said. You shall not pass

BIKERS
Well, that’s it. Instead of just letting you, a bunch of little kids and your unusual caretaker, pass, we’re going to get off our bikes, and come fight the lot of you

CUTESY KID #2
Come get some, asshole

They do. The bikers approach the kids menacingly, doing absolutely nothing. This allows a bunch of preteens to KNEE GROWNUPS IN THE GROIN

LEAD ASSHOLE
Damn, these kids are so tough dishoom-dishoom sounds appear when they kick or knee us. Let’s instead chase Hrithik, the lone adult who abandoned a bunch of kids to a biker gang

They do. Somehow a man on a kick-scooter is able to stay ahead of people on motorcycles, all while moving on mountain roads. He also has the acrobatic ability to kick-scooter under barriers or over people, which his pursuers don’t

HRETARD
You’d think brain damage and so on would affect my motor skills and coordination, but no, being retarded izz great

Cops arrive and have the good sense to arrest only the guys on bikes, without even a reprimand for minor pedestrians who flipped off adult motorists. Yayy!!

ASSHOLE BIKER
Screw this, I’m going home

CUT TO:

EXT. A POSH HOUSE

Prem Chopra hugs Rajeev Verma with a tad too much enthu

RV’S WIFE
He has said, now that he’s retiring, he’s going to live where his friend does

PC’S WIFE
How touchingly homoerotic

PREM CHOPRA
Say, what happened to your kid?

RAJEEV VERMA
Oh, she’s grown up big now

PREM CHOPRA (salivating)
Has she now?

CUT TO:

EXT. KASAULI:
PREITY ZINTA drives about in a jeep, and asks the GANG for directions. They mislead her and get a ride to the film theater instead. This is HILARIOUS. The GANG then crashes a party, for the free food.

CUTESY KID #7
How awesome is it that we, kids who can afford to go to blazer-issuing schools, are also crashing parties to steal food?

In a shocking twist, they’re spotted, and have to run. More shockingly, the party was thrown in honour of Preity and that asshole biker, who’s Prem Chopra’s kid. Both see red.

CUT TO:

EXT. KASAULI DOWNTOWN:

HRITHIK is cornered by Preity and the Bikers and beaten the living shit out of. He runs home crying to his Mommy.

HRETARD
Why? Why? Why did Dad put in scenes like this. Bad enough he had to retard me up and go to the happy place behind the camera, but this is just too much

REKHA
Just be glad he didn’t have Kabir Bedi throw you to a crocodile.

CUT TO:

EXT. SOME SORT OF CLUB LAWN:

PREITY
We sure showed him. That weirdo with his weird look and inability to speak and tendency to hang out with kids.

LEAD ASSHOLE BIKER
Yeah, was he retarded or what?

(enter REKHA)

REKHA
You assholes, he was retarded

PREITY ZINTA
Damn right

REKHA
No, I mean the actual thing. He’s mentally handicapped

PREITY ZINTA
Oh damn. We thought it was an ordinary guy we were ganging up on and beating the shit out of

She makes up for this by buying HRITHIK a bike and giving him a gigantic hug.

HRETARD
(pressing up against her cleavage)
Ah…. being retarded is great again

HRITHIK and PREITY hang out a lot, while she Googles ‘cures’ for mental retardation. Turns out the cure is “To treat them with love and respectful care”. Naturally, the gang of kids proclaim her his girlfriend, even though he has no idea what that means, and neither should they.

LEAD ASSHOLE BIKER’S FRIEND
Guess what, those little kids think PREITY’s his girlfriend.

LEAD ASSHOLE BIKER
Grrrr. That goddam son of a Roshan, stealing girls from a guy who’s been at the same evil flunky role for 15 years. Let’s go beat him up, even though we know he’s retarded.

They do. And this time there’s no MAAAA. Hrithik then goes WAAAAA and accidentally hits and turns on an old computer that has conveniently been lying around his house for ages, apparently plugged in as well.

HRETARD
Dad’s old ‘OM’ computer. Ooooo what does this button do?

REKHA
DeeeeeDeeeeeee… sorry HRIITHIIIIIIIIIIK

The sound signal-wala computer sends out an electrical pulse through a TV-antenna that was somehow connected to it. Some sort of feedback pulse occurs that shorts out the whole town, kills anything electrical/electronic and even blows out all candles, just to be ominous.

REKHA
Hrithik-will-you-get-out-of-my-labauratauury!!! Damn!! That evil husband-killing OM computer. Nothing good came out of anyone fiddling with it. Why did I cart it here all the way from Canada? Or put it anywhere near a plug point so my moron kid might start it up? What now?

CUT TO:

EXT. KASAULI HILLSIDE: We see a giant, blue-tinted obviously CGI spaceship. It emerges from the clouds Independence Day-ishtyle, which is made easier and cheaper to animate since this is at night. It casts the ever-extending shadow on everyone, also Independence Day-ishtyle, which is weird seeing as it’s moonless night and the damn thing just put out all the lights. But hey, it can pick up sound signals through space so it has to be awesome, right?

CUT TO:

INT. PREITY’S LIVING ROOM.

Everyone’s watching ‘AAJ TAK’

RANDOM NEWSCASTER
Authorities refuse to believe the statements made by pretty much everyone in Kasauli about an Unidentified Flying Object, due to nothing turning up on global radars or satellite sensors. The sighting’s attributed to mass hysteria, though you’d think a town full of people corroborating each other would merit an investigation.

PREM CHOPRA
Time to decide what we should do, seeing as I’m some sort of Mayor/Collector. What do you think, Inspector Mukesh Rishi?

INSPECTOR MUKESH RISHI
We found a field flattened and scorched. And there were tracks in it. N tracks leading out of the scorch, N-1 heading back. This means….

PREM CHOPRA
There’s an alien on the loose. We could capture him for science and fame and fortune. But this must be an absolute secret. No one must know

MUKESH RISHI
You should have thought of that before including Rajeev Verma, both your wives and Preity in this meeting

PREM CHOPRA
…..

CUT TO:

EXT. HRITHIK’S PLACE. THE KIDS ASSEMBLE FOR SOME SORT OF UFO MARDI-GRAS

HRETARD
Yayyy, I’m going to go as an alien

REKHA
No you’re not. I don’t trust you anymore

HRETARD
Waaaaaaaaaaaa

He wanders around the house, sulking. An indistinct shadowy shape appears at the edge of his garden

HRETARD
Screw you, shadowy shape that I’m automatically going to assume is one of my cutesy friends. I can’t play. Here (hurls pot at shape) I’m going to bed…

CUT TO INT. HOUSE:
Preity comes over the next day

PREITY
Hey HRITHIK, what’s new?

HRETARD
This pot I smashed yesterday is whole now

PREITY
Pot?

HRETARD
There was this shadowy indistinct figure that appeared at the edge of my garden. It simply stood there and signed, so I assumed it was a friend of mine and hurled a pot at it, the pot I was going to wear on my head for a costume yesterday

PREITY
I don’t know what’s more retarded, your throwing a pot at one of your pint-sized friends, or that you were going to wear one for a costume. But this is now whole and unbroken?

HRETARD
Yes. Clearly the alien was here and fixed the pot. Let’s go look for it

PREITY ZINTA
Pot-fixing aliens? That’s beyond retarded, but sure, why not

Just before the interval, they find the small blue thing that was shown during the promos

PREITY
Wow!!

HRETARD
A visitor from outer space

PREITY
No, I mean I can’t tell if it’s deliberately staying still or is simply an immobile doll

HRETARD
A blue skinned alien with magic powers. I’m going to call you…… Jadoo

PREITY
Subtle. [Checking watch] It’s been about an hour and a half now. What are we doing next, we’re at the interval now

HRETARD
There’s enough time to put in everything that was great about E.T.

PREITY
So that’s the movie we’re ri…

RAKESH ROSHAN
No no. E.T. didn’t have you. It didn’t have Kasauli. It didn’t have the Dad already communicating with aliens, using our ancient powerful mystical ‘Om’ symbol. And it didn’t have an hour of buildup with the child character. We’re taking the concept of E.T. in different directions.

PREITY
You mean you replaced the child with a mentally deficient adult in kiddie clothes and made the film about him

RAKESH ROSHAN
Watch it, lady or you might find yourself cut out of the sequel

PREITY
Ok, let’s have ourselves some retard-alien hijinks. Although when you think about it, I’m the one not calling the authorities on an unknown species and potential biohazard. Well, if Hrithik’s anything to go by, being retarded is great

So in quick progression, the director proceeds to show everything that was good about E.T. and dumb it to beyond-retard levels.

HRETARD
So my friends and Preity know about you, the authorities are suspicious of an alien around here and you’ve demonstrated your unusual abilities and alien metabolism

JADOO
Yes, chiefly my ability to sustain myself on sunlight alone

PREITY
Isn’t that straight out of Su…

RAKESH ROSHAN
Dammit Preity, you’re going to ruin the sequel. It’s a superhero movie

HRETARD
So what now?

PREITY
Go home crying to your mommy about the spaceship and your retardation and whatnot

He does.

REKHA
Damn that original spaceship. It killed your father and retarded you up. Although considering how he was driving, it could just be the genes

 

JADOO hears all this. He then uses his alien magic on Hrithik while he sleeps

CUT TO:
INT. HRITHIK’s BEDROOM. HRITHIK WAKES UP AND PUTS ON HIS GLASSES AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM. HE SUDDENLY FINDS HE NO LONGER NEEDS THEM. JADOO HAS UN-RETARDED HIM, AND THE FIRST SIGN OF IT IS THAT HE NO LONGER NEEDS GLASSES

HRETARD
That’s right kids, only the retarded wear glasses. Let’s see, my vision’s blurred when I wear em and I can see clearly without them, AND I’m now ripped. So there, kids, to not be ripped is retarded

HE RUNS DOWN AND TELLS REKHA.

REKHA
Oh my God!!

HRETARD
I know, I’m cured now. That’s right folks, retarded is a disease requiring curing

REKHA
No you moron. That scene you described was straight out of Spiderman

HRETARD
Yeah well, this alien that the movie’s about is solar-powered and….

RAKESH ROSHAN
FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP COMPARING MY WORK

REKHA
Screw you, your only original films were Karan Arjun and that one where the crocodile bit off my face

RAKESH ROSHAN
Yes. Of course

CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM HRETARD AND FRIENDS ARE IN CLASS

ASSHOLE TEACHER
Dammit Hrithik, why are you here in the Computer Science class? You can’t do today’s assignment

PRINCIPAL
What’s today’s Computer Science assignment?

ASSHOLE TEACHER
Transferring a file from C: to F:

HRITHIK promptly carries it out, since being ‘cured’ somehow means about eighteen years’ worth  of knowledge has been zapped into his head

ASSHOLE TEACHER hangs his head in shame.

CUT TO:
EXT. BASKETBALL FIELD. Hrithik and friends emerge at what is presumably a free period. The EVIL BIKER BULLIES are also there, playing basketball, the sport of true teeth-gnashing evil

BIKER BULLY
What are you doing here?

CUTESY KID #4
What’re you doing here?

BULLY
Beats me. This is a high school and we’re clearly twenty-plus. Guess we’re not so different from Hrithik

CUTESY KID #8
Yes, you’re re…

HRETARD
Not anymore, remember

BULLY
Ok then, let’s beat him up [throws a basketball at him]

HRITHIK catches it and his muscles pop out of his shirt. He then throws it back so hard that the BULLY is thrown into the basket

HRETARD
Slam dunk

OTHER BULLY
All right asshole, it’s on. We challenge you to a basketball game, even though you’ve clearly demonstrated that you can throw a basketball hard enough to make it a weapon

HRITHIK proceeds to beat them at basketball, because being ‘cured’ of mental retardation also somehow means acquiring several years’ worth practice at a physical activity

HRETARD
That’s right folks, it’s the retarded who can’t play sports well

News of this reaches the LEAD ASSHOLE BIKER, who promptly challenges them to another basketball game. CUT TO:

INT. BASKY COURT. JADOO’s hidden in a bag somewhere, and using his magic to help HRETARD and FRIENDS, the good guys

JOHNNY LEVER
And here we are at the HERO CUP. Why is it the HERO CUP? Why was this never mentioned before? Why are kids and a guy not right in the head playing a bunch of adults? Why am I, a policeman, also acting as announcer? The answers are so HERO HONDA can be placed, and shut the fuck up respectively

The kids find that JADOO’s magic (redundancy) is doing amazing stuff to them

JOHNNY LEVER
Oh my God, the kids are flying! They’re dribbling the balls 30 feet in the air!! They’re leaping over the people trying to get the ball from them

LEAD ASSHOLE BIKER
I don’t believe it

JOHNNY LEVER
That you’re getting beaten by kids?

L.A.B
No, that this is straight out of Flubber

RAKESH ROSHAN
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the role of “Supporting flunkey”?

The kids, shockingly, win.

L.A.B
Screw you guys, I’m going home

PREITY comes over to see him.

PREITY
Wassup?

L.A.B
I’ve announced our engagement to our parents

PREITY
Without my consent?

L.A.B
I’m Prem Chopra’s son. You’re lucky that’s all I’m doing without your consent

PREITY
No, I love Hrithik. He’s unretarded now and has an alien, a producer-dad and a career

L.A.B
Nonsense, he was in Kaho Na Pyaar Hain

Hrithik turns up and beats him up predictably

L.A.B (Spitting blood)
Screw you guys, I’m going home

MUKESH RISHI turns up

MUKESH RISHI
I think you have the alien we’re all looking for

HRETARD
Who’s we?

MUKESH RISHI
Me, Prem Chopra, Rajeev Verma, the evil firaang scientists who pooh-poohed your father and some government agent

HRETARD
Oh my God, a Cigarette Smoking Man in a black suit?

MUKESH RISHI
No, that guy’s too cool for this movie

They all proceed to chase HRETARD and the gang up and down various hillsides. For some unfathomable reason, the kids and Hrithik are on bicycles. Really really unfathomable reason.

HRETARD
We must return Jadoo to his people at any cost. Though it’s weird that he got separated in the first place

PREITY
Weren’t the cops at the scene when the ship landed? He must have been lost in the confusion

HRETARD
No, that was in E.T, which this isn’t. This sadly isn’t

JADOO
Hey I forgot to mention, my powers work only through extended contact. Returning me to the ship retards you back up

HRETARD
Oh my God

PREITY
Yes, it’s a terrible dilemma

HRETARD
And it’s the first real conflict this movie has had so far

He decides to return the alien to ship, which was hitherto unmentioned and unseen. HRETARD is back. CUT TO A NEWS ANNOUNCER:

 

RANDOM NEWSCASTER
The alien is gone and HRETARD is being given a humanitarian award by the people of Kasauli for not listening to the evil scientists and turning him over, thus preventing not only mass human contact with an extraterrestrial intelligence but also the investigation of any extraterrestrial biohazards and pathogens that could even now be affecting the whole town. And they say he alone is retarded

HRETARD and PREITY are walking alone when the Lead.Asshole.Biker shows up

L.A.B
Come on guys, let’s get him

PREITY
For God’s sake, not only is he retarded again, there’s barely a minute to the end credits

L.A.B attacks anyway and is trounced, wonder of wonders.

PREITY
What happened?

We see something in the sky

HRETARD
Oh my God, Jadoo unretarded me again. Negating of course the one conflict this whole movie had

PREITY
So we’ve desecrated Spielberg’s classic AND thrown in the most misinformed and stereotype-laden depiction of mental handicaps known to man. What do you think will happen?

RAKESH ROSHAN
I think this film might just win the National Film Award for Awareness of Social Issues

Lead Asshole Biker
Screw you guys, I’m going home

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5 Responses to Bollywood and Science Fiction: Koi.. Mil Gaya

  1. econmartyr says:

    ayi go, what with three term papers and end semesters, this is exactly the sort of read one needs.
    “It simply stood there and signed, so I assumed it was a friend of mine and hurled a pot at it…”- stuff meant for rainy days. The more I read it, the more funnier it seems.

  2. sarat2d says:

    Arun,

    very funny. I remember that movie where croc(s) eat Rekha’s face, but thats all I remember of it. Kinda surprised you did too. Is there a post on the sequel?

    • aathmanathan says:

      Yeah, the crocodile movie is “Khoon Bhari Maang” and surprise surprise, it’s a ripoff too. Turns out there was an Australian TV mini-series ‘Return to Eden’, which Rakesh Roshan watched. You have to give our people credit, they’ll rip anything from anywhere.

    • aathmanathan says:

      Also, regarding the sequel, I haven’t seen it wholly yet – I saw individual scenes and frankly couldn’t stomach it. Let’s wait and see. Plus, this style of movie summary is okay for a 1-time thing, but I don’t know if I should do it on a regular basis, when describing movies as unoriginal.

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